An inheritance from my mom
For a few years, I have wanted to write about the inheritance I received from my mom on Mother’s Day. I realize it is not Mother’s Day, but it is never too late to celebrate! First, mom is still living which makes this hard to write about and added to my delay. Second, it may seem inappropriate to write about an inheritance before there has been a death, but please keep reading. I hope that my journey and experience will help you think differently about what you may be leaving behind and what you may receive.
Losing “the 3”
My dad died 22 years ago. He was the last of the three (in the South we are superstitious that death occurs in 3’s) following both my paternal grandparents in the two years prior. In addition to the loss of “the 3” my only living grandmother moved to a memory care unit only a short time later. She spent the remainder of her life there.
To say that my mom’s house was flooded by the inheritance of stuff at that time would be an understatement. Although we tried to pare down quickly our mental and emotional capacity could only hold so much before having to just leave it all alone. But eventually, I was able to choose one item from my dad, and grandparents that I felt encapsulated my memories of them perfectly.
Relationships with Stuff
I have a complicated relationship with stuff. After establishing my own home, I quickly started filling it with things. Wanting it to look a certain way I filled it mostly with things that had no sentimental value at first. The purchases were only attempts to soothe some part of me and create a sense of security in my home. But, over time, I switched to a “less is more” approach. So, from cottage collections, to minimalism, I have lived it all. Helping to sift through decades of items my relatives accumulated has only complicated my relationship with material possessions that much further.
In 2023, my mom suffered a brain infection that has altered the trajectory of her long-term needs and plans. Mom, much like me, has had a complicated relationship with her belongings too. Throughout her life she has created little collections: Sweetgrass baskets from SC’s low country, fancy Nutcrackers to decorate the mantels at Christmas, old glass bottles excavated from around their property- just to name a few.
Paring Down
As mom’s needs have changed, we have been helping her pare down the collection of items to make sure she can move around freely in her space. One day after sorting through some of her things, I asked her about them. “Mom, of all your collections, is there one item that means the most to you?” At this point, we were both emotionally fatigued from the memories that resurfaced, and I honestly didn’t know. And, unfortunately, she didn’t know either. At some point every item had meant a great deal to her, but to choose just one seemed impossible.
This was troubling for a long time. To think that one day mom could be gone, and I wouldn’t have any one item that really meant something to her was distressing. I was grieved to think that there wasn’t one item that could hold my fondest memories of our relationship.
Vocabulary Lessons
The one thing Mom has always treasured is flowers! From what I have been told both of her grandmothers had beautiful yards full of flowers. And because of this, mom has an extensive floral vocabulary. Throughout childhood, she would call them out as she was driving us here and there. “Oh, look at that beautiful forsythia!” She would often veer from our normal route home from school, especially in the Spring, if there was a chance of seeing a neighbor’s yard in full bloom. As my sister and I got older, we had developed a floral appreciation and would even request a slight diversion, “Let’s go straight and see if those azaleas are blooming!”
Even now, my sister and I will drive out of our way, at the possibility of catching a yard in full bloom with the flowers mom taught us to love. Daffodils in late winter, forsythia in early spring, azaleas, iris, day lilies, tiger lilies, hydrangeas, and gladiolus- all worth an extra few minutes of driving time.
A Legacy Continued
Because mom taught us their names, I have always called them by name and so the legacy continues. As I drive around with my husband and son, occasionally one of them will say “Wow! Look at the color of that hydrangea!” It warms my heart remembering our drive home from school with mom.
A few weeks ago, my sister and I took mom for a drive so she could see the flowers in bloom around town. We both told her how thankful we are that she gave us a love and vocabulary of flowers. We shared how we continue to call them by name and teach our children, her grandchildren the names also.
“You’ve given us an inheritance of Flowers!” i told her. Unlike any material item or a collected trinket, this will always be the thing that most reminds me of her. And best of all, it is an inheritance we can continue to enjoy and invest in together. And to me, it is worth so much more than money or a collected possession!
Your Legacy
What about you? What do you hope to leave to those you love most? What would mean the most to receive from someone you love? Do you feel overwhelmed at the amount of “stuff” you currently have? Or, overwhelmed because you don’t feel like you can leave enough? In addition to traditional financial planning, Flourish financial Life Planning will help you answer and find peace in these questions. Contact me for a free consultation and start your journey to peace, passion and purpose.
